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Rules for Watching the Superbowl

A few pointers for those who aren't entirely familiar with football. Professional football is played on a field that is 100 yards (374 kilometers) long and is covered with lines called "hash marks" to indicate where players have lost their breakfasts.

On either side of the field are the benches, where the 350 players who are not involved in the game sit and wave to their moms. Behind each bench is a big plastic jug of Gatorade. The object of the game is to be the first team to dump this on the coach, a very angry man who hates everybody.

The heart and soul of football is watching slow-motion replays of the players falling down. You'll see these from every possible point of reference, including the Hubble telescope. When the replays are finally over, the referee formally announces that the play does not count. Then it is time for eight commercials featuring sport utility vehicles climbing Mount Everest, and then its back to the huddles for more non-stop action.

In football, a play happens very quickly, so you must not blink or you'll miss it. Here's what happens:

1. A large player called the center squats over the ball, and then the quarterback touches him in a way that would get them both executed in the Middle East.

2. All the players run into each other and fall down.

3. Certain players leap to their feet and perform celebratory dances, while referees add to the festivity by hurling brightly colored handkerchiefs into the air.

Now you know everything about football. Enjoy the game Sunday