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Notice to Northerners Moving South

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy". (In the last few years, it has become "big ass"--big ass truck, big ass tires, big ass woman, for instance.) **** "Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", is 2nd. and "Y'all" is 3rd.

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

13. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

14. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish costs considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

15. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.